It had been awhile since I'd had an emotional response that did not support my truth. I've generally become better at taking things to the LORD in prayer, giving something pause before considering what to do, or just walking away and allowing the dust to settle; not this time. This time an emotional trigger sprung up out of nowhere, causing me to feel a pain I couldn't place, nor understand...I reacted without clear thought. Anxious to assuage my inner feelings, I didn't respond with consideration of what I was actually thinking. Needless to say, I ended up in a position I hadn't intended, with a mild fallout I wouldn't have chosen in clear mindedness...My heart is still under construction.
Have you ever worked so carefully at noticing and changing a specific thought pattern or behavior that you forget it can still have power? And then, when hurt by one who expresses assumption that this behavior is core to your identity, you respond in a way equally unhelpful? Fast forward to me a few days ago.
In asking myself why I chose to respond as I did, I've come to realize it was compelled by insecurity. That blasted piece of our humanity which rises up when we feel misjudged, pigeon-holed, or trapped in another's mindset. Rather than just allowing this person to believe what they wanted, I responded by trying to change how I felt (in lieu of the equally futile effort of trying to use words to explain myself in order to change their perception).
From a spirit of timidity, I spoke. Fearing more judgment or rejection and trying to protect myself against further emotional pain, my words became shorter and less clear, giving room for misinterpretation. In that moment, when a behavior I abhor was assigned as my truth, I reacted instead of responding. In that moment, I wanted to push back against the hurt. In that moment, I did the very thing I was avoiding; I used words to create a picture. I thought what I expressed would help me to not feel so powerless and pained. It did, but only for a moment. The words weren't unkind in a sense of anger or attack, nor were they erring in their content...they were just unnecessary. They were not my truest heart. I blew it.
So, today I pause. I look back at the moment when I let the pain of insecurity control my thoughts and responses. I notice the unexpected heart challenge it has caused me as I slowly navigate back to center. I am gentle with myself. I recognize that in my humanity I make dumb decisions, and will continue to do so in the future. I ask the Lord to repair any breach I may have created. I seek Him to restore my confidence in His plan and increase my trust in His heart within me. Truly, His way is the only way to righteousness, grace and peace. I am back under His heart. Perhaps a bit worse for the wear in my own, but assured in the steady rhythm of knowing that only one path points due North, and that is the path of grace. God has a plan. It is better than mine. I can trust His heart for me ~ even when I cannot trust my own. What a glorious gift of mercy <3
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